Since my dangerous - and frankly idiotic - experience of unprotected sex, I have endured much scrutiny. Many of my friends reacted with sheer horror.
I know I made a huge misjudgement and I understand why my actions may have offended or upset some people, but I honestly don't see why the regrettable situation has provoked such unanimous disapproval.
Some of my (straight) female friends regularly have sex without a condom, yet because they are on the pill they are not subjeted to these judgemental diatribes. Just because they can't get pregnant from a one-nightstand, they think that they are "safe". Well, I can't get pregnant either. Does that make me safe too? It's such an outrageous double standard.
When I expressed my indignation, my friends were extremely defensive. "Yes, but... well, it's different for you, isn't it?" they stammered.
I was outraged. "No," I replied. "The idea that HIV is a gay disease is so 80's."
I made a mistake and I know that it was foolish, so please don't think that I am blase about it. I mean no disrespect to anyone who has contracted AIDs or HIV - or any other STD, for that matter. I am not ignorant to the dangers of unprotected sex and to say that I am disappointed in myself is an understatement.
In 3 months' time, I will get tested - apparently, the HIV virus can take that long to be detected in the blood.
In an attempt to console me, my friend Garv revealed that he has had sex without a condom "many, many times." I was quite disturbed by this. Instead of comforting me, Garv's words left me feeling cold and unsettled. I was traumatised that I had sunk to his dangerously depraved level.
I contacted Itallian Stallion aka Mark to express my concerns. He assured me that he got tested just over a month ago and that he has only had sex with one person apart from me - he said that they used protection.
Even if I assume that he's telling the truth, I know that I'm still in dangerous territory. I will make damn sure that I never place myself in this compromising position again.
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18 comments:
I did think that the reactions from some of your readers did seem to go somewhat over the top mate! I don't think anyone can be too judgemental because we've all slipped up on occasions if we're honest about ourselves. Big hug!
I have to admit, I was a bit on the horrified side - and I'm equally as horrified when I hear about a str8 chick friend that has unprotected sex as well. Dispite what some of your commenters say, we don't all slip up on occasion - but it doesn't improve anything to beat someone up about it.
Condoms are cheap, often free - make sure you have plenty around. If they expire, you can always use them for baloons at your next party.
Yes, but it IS different for gay men (and I am one). Estimates are that 10-12% of gay men in London have HIV, and around a third of those don't know that they do.
The rates for straight people who don't have sex with high risk groups are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay lower, meaning having unprotected sex as a gay man is much more like russian roulette than for straight people.
I know four men who have been diagnosed HIV positive in the last year. And none of them were taking regular risks.
Thank you for your comments, guys. It's obviously a controversial subject, which I completely understand. I am not condoning (nor judging) people who have unprotected sex, as I think it is the individual's prerogative.
For the record, I slipped up and I will be more careful in future - but, personally, I would never berate someone for their personal choices. Everyone is entitled to their opinion and I don't think that people should feel the need to censor their views, so I appreciate everyone's observations, whether they were understanding or - in some cases - quite aggressive!
I didn't mean to write something so provocative, but maybe that was naive of me to think that it wouldn't cause such strong reactions. But I suppose a strong reaction is better than no reaction at all.
I'm sorry that you're in that horrible space of waiting before you get tested. Yes, my prior comments were 'rather aggressive' but they were also intentional. If they made you think - good. I've worked with HIV testing/counselling. There is no joy in either a positive or negative result. A positive result? Their life will fundamentally change. A negative result? They may or may not adjust their behavior, and chances are they will be back in 3-6 months, their HIV status somehow a ward against unsafe sex practices. If I sound like a judgemental asshole, so be it. Until you have people in your life who are HIV positive or have died of AIDS, then you will not know the full rage of helplessness.
Double-standard of male/female sex versus male/male sex or not, gay men must acknowledge the HIGHER risk factors of unprotected sex and act accordingly. Wouldn't life be grand if everyone could fuck with abandon? The reality is that life doesn't work that way, and gay men who want to fuck and ignore that reality need to grow up and act responsibly. I have NO issue with fucking or fucking around. I have warranted issues with fucking irresponsibly. Sex is fantastic - just be smart(er) about it.
Whats all the fuss about? Bareback rules!!
I say Enough said on the "Unprotected Sex" issue. I would just like to say that I've read your Blog and although your lifestyle is quite different to mine, I really enjoy reading what you have to say. You have a great writing style. Take all comments with a grain of salt, people like to get up on their soap box from time to time. We all do what we have to do to make our time on this planet as worthwhile a time as possible. Make the most of it.
Keep up the great Blog,
McDreamy.
Well done for getting back in the saddle and continuing your blog. You write well.
It's one of the dangers of blogging and letting people see our inner thoughts. They will sometimes have opinions and feelings with which you disagree. In person we may only reveal these thoughts to an intimate friend and their reactions will be filtered by that close friendship.
You don't have that buffer here.
That we comment at all is a sign we care.
As a straight girl i have to say yeh some people have double standards but you know not all of us do. One night stands without protection are always bad. Remind your straight girlfriends that the pill isn't 100% effective ant there are many many more STIs out there.
I'm really glad you continued to blog. I know that I love reading it even though I am massively in the minority of the readership..
You do write well and your blog is very enjoyable to read, and you're incredibly brave to write about something like this.
Most importantly you know that experience is just a different way of saying it's important to learn from mistakes.
So, I agree with Sir Wobin, Katie, Christerbjorn and your many other admiring fans! Keep on truckin'.
yes please, keep writing. I have enjoyed reading your thoughts and feelings. Not many people are able to express their feelings in such a public way.
As to the unprotected sex, it was a mistake. It remains a mistake if we do not learn from it. It has been positive if you learn a lesson from it. The rest is up to you and no one else. Take care.
You've gone awful quiet, Mr Slag. What's up? You OK?
Hey Mr...it's been a month since your last post...what's been happening? Is all OK???
No more recent conquests? Or did this whole experience shake you up a little?
You were honest with your friends and that is crucial to great relationships.
Keep posting and use condoms!
We want you around, sexy and healthy and ready to love.
Happy holidays. I hope that all is well with you and that you do come back to the blogosphere and keep writing and expressing yourself.
If I offended you horribly, then I hope you can forgive my reaction and comments and see that they were stated from concern, not malice.
Be well.
We all make mistakes, sometimes people are too easy to judge.
Dude where you at??
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