Gay Myths Exposed

Over lunch today, my promiscuous friend Cassie lamented her flagging sex-life. She had hit a regrettable dry-spell, meaning that she had gone without sex for over a week. For most people, that's quite normal. To Cassie, it's a crisis.

"I'm running out of eligible men," she whined, while toying with her vegetable lasagna. Ironically, despite being a ferocious man-eater, Cassie is a dedicated vegetarian. "I could just sleep with anyone if I really wanted to, but I refuse to compromise on quality."

"You shouldn't have to," I agreed.

"You are so lucky," Cassie said. "All of the best men are gay. They all dress so well, they're so handsome and they're the best dancers. It's not fair."

I raised an eyebrow and fixed her with my most frosty stare, which I normally reserve for wife-beaters or double-glazing salesmen.

"That's so not true," I said. "I wish."

As a gay man, I feel it is my responsibility to dispel some tragic misconceptions. Many people have a misguided view of the modern gay man, however most of these stereotypical myths are purely urban legends. Allow me to educate:


Gay Myth 1: GAY MEN ARE THE BEST DRESSERS

This one always makes me laugh. For some mysterious reason, one of the most common preconceptions is that all gay men are groomed, impeccably dressed style icons with wardrobes to die for. This could not be further from the truth. Go to any gay bar or club and you will see exactly what I mean. Are too-tight vests, denim hot pants and thick gold chains the height of male couture? Hardly. And, despite the expectation that most gay men are born hairdressers, most gay clubs are where bad haircuts go to die. Look around and you will see scary skinheads, greasy bouffants and yellow highlights aplenty. It's not a pretty sight.


Gay Myth 2: GAY MEN ARE FANTASTIC DANCERS

Again, you need go no further than your nearest gay-friendly drinking establishment to see the cold, hard truth behind this rumour. The preferred dance-routine of most gay men is a bizarre sequence of moves that comprises half-diva, half-porn star. They will sashay seductively around the dancefloor, while pouting and flicking their non-existent hair extensions; they channel Britney or Kylie while they thrust their hips to the beat - a result of over-exposure to MTV and, more often than not, Class A drugs. Tragically, most gay men are so bad at dancing that they make Stephen Hawkin look like Justin Timberlake.


Gay Myth 3: ALL GAY MEN ARE OBSESSED WITH KYLIE

Errrm.... actually, there is a lot of truth in this one.


Gay Myth 4: ALL OF THE BEST LOOKING MEN ARE GAY

In my experience, this is not the case; if anything, I find the opposite to be true - but I suppose we always want what we can't have. If something is unattainable, it immediately becomes more desirable. By that rule, whenever I find myself attracted to a man, I take it to mean that he must be straight. And 99% of the time I'm right.

I hope that this makes things a bit clearer.

Oh, and just in case you were wondering, I haven't had a reply from Italian Stallion yet...